


I'll Follow You Into The Dark

by unrealityfreak



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-11
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/400995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrealityfreak/pseuds/unrealityfreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Davesprite and John have been in a serious relationship for a good portion of their three-year trip. Dave is this close to getting together with Terezi. Now, thanks to the game they thought they had escaped, both Daves are the same Dave, and John has to either win his heart all over again or let him go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from the [kinkmeme](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/17313.html?thread=34993569#t34993569).

John is surrounded by orange. Orange sunglasses over his eyes, orange tail twined with his legs, orange arms around him. Orange nose pushing against his. Dave's laugh is ringing out sweet and clear as he tries to remove his shades from John's face without using his hands. John's got a goofy grin on his face, though it's meant to be more of a coolkid smirk in parody of the half-sprite.

Dave finally manages to get his teeth around one of the arms on the glasses, and carefully pulls them from his boyfriend's face. John laughs and jerks his head away. "You poked me in the eye, you asshole," he complains, totally unoffended.

"Oh shit, did it pierce your cornea? Can you see?? John, calm down, we can amputate. Maybe give you a new eye. A cyborg eye. It'll have lasers in."

"Hell yes. I would love a laser eye. But I think this one is fine for now, Dave, let's not do anything rash he-mmfm."

Dave is done with talking and has smooshed their mouths together. Soon the kiss turns less shut-the-hell-up-and-kiss-me and more intimate. John's hands smooth up Dave's sides, and he feels cool fingers press lightly against his cheek. Dave is really more of a romantic than he lets on. He treats John like something precious, and it makes him melt a little every time.

Soon their breathing is heavy and John is minus a shirt. Dave is just about to start in on ridding him of his pants when Jade's voice carries through the closed door and they jump apart, suppressing nervous giggles.

"Guys! Guys we're almost there!" Something part-girl, part-dog, and pure excitement crashes into the room as John is wiggling back into his shirt, not even bothering to tease them. She's bouncing and grinning hugely and she hauls Davesprite up off the floor to spin him around, startling a laugh out of him.

"How much longer?" John asks, patting the ground around him for his own glasses and coming up empty.

Jade twirls Dave around one last time and prances over to pick up his specs and hand them over. "About five minutes now. Dave, start the countdown!"

The knight of time salutes and makes a show of examining his wrist. Then they stop fucking around and head up to the deck.

***

When they're on the other side of the fourth wall and Jade is in full possession of her powers again, she teleports them all over to the meteor lab. Everyone is waiting for them, and John's first thought is "oh wow, Rose grew up!" His second thought is incoherent surprise and confusion, because Davesprite and Dave are both pulsing, and then there is a blinding flash, and when he blinks the afterimage away there is only one Dave. Many shouts of greeting are cut off in the middle, and the silence is deafening.

John takes a step toward his friend and wonders why he's staring at his hands. "Uh, Dave? What just happened...?"

Rose's lips are pursed. "I'm afraid I anticipated this," she starts, looking apologetically at John and then Dave. "It seems that, outside the game, sprites are not necessary. Thus they all find some way to resolve themselves. Whether that means disappearing completely as if they never were," John looks stricken, "or merging with whatever counterparts they may have. Much like what happened with Jade and Jadesprite."

Six pairs of eyes turn to Jade. One of her ears twitches in embarrassment and she shuffles her feet a little. John's expression is kind of helpless. "So, that means he's still pretty much the same, right?" he implores. "He's got the same personality and everything, he's just got more memories. Right?"

Her face falls a little. "He's got _two_ personalities now, John. He's spent three years as two different people."

Suddenly the main concern is Dave. He seems to be pretty overwhelmed, even going so far as to take his shades off and scrub at his eyes with the heels of his hands. It tears John up inside to see him so distraught, but he isn't sure if this is even still _his_ Dave. So he grits his teeth and stays put, keeping out of Dave's space until he can sort his shit out.

***

John is beginning to think Dave won't ever really sort his shit out. It's been a while now, and Dave has stopped having those spells where he just kind of walks into a wall and stays there, thunking his head against it, but he still gets a vaguely vacant look on his face sometimes.

Of course, he tries to cover up the whole thing with sarcasm. His bullshit gland has remained completely untouched by this change. John doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing.

What he does know is that this is not quite his Dave. The Dave he spent hours cuddling and kissing and joking with on the ship is gone. Maybe a part of him lives on in Dave 2.0 but if John just waltzed up and kissed him on the mouth he's sure he'd get a punch to the face. He feels like he's been punched already.

He's also got a hunch that the Dave who spent his three years on the meteor has a thing for Terezi. Something about the way he looks at her reminds him of the way Davesprite looked at _him_ before they got together.

The only way he looks at John anymore is with confusion.

So the windy kid bites his tongue and swallows his feelings as best he can around his best friend, trying desperately to act as if nothing has changed between them. As if he hadn't fallen in love with one version of this man. As if it doesn't kill him to see Terezi up in Dave's space, and the way he laughs when she makes a particularly shitty comic.

He begins to leave a room when he sees Dave enter, sometimes. If Dave catches him slinking away he'll play it off like he wasn't bailing and happily float over to trade in-jokes and laugh at Dave's extended metaphors and punch him in the arm when he's being a dick. But if he can slip out unnoticed it's better for both of them. He doesn't want to crowd Dave while he's still so vulnerable.

He also doesn't want Dave to think he expects anything of him. Like the poor guy has an obligation to John just because half of his personality fell in love with him.

***

"Rose, please. Just tell me, straight-up, no psychobabble."

"But John, if you insist I not speak in my native language, then how can I tell you anything?"

"Oh my _god,_ " he laughs, holding his hands out in surrender. Rose smirks down at him from her position by the foot of the bed, arms crossed. She shakes her head and turns to lower her backside onto the mattress next to John, one thin hand landing lightly on his knee.

"Do you know what Dave's biggest fear is?" she asks quietly, looking him in the eye. He swallows, opens his mouth, closes it. Shakes his head. "He is absolutely terrified of the people he loves coming to harm. It's the reason he sacrificed an entire timeline to come back and prevent your death at Terezi's hands. It's why the first hint of emotion he outwardly showed to her during their conversations was when he found his brother's body."

John is staring at Rose's hand on his knee, wondering if it's meant to soothe him or keep him firmly anchored. He feels vaguely ill. At his lack of response, not that she expected one anyway, Rose continues.

"The very last thing Dave wants in this situation is to hurt you. Yet he knows that just by existing as an amalgam of both his former selves, he has robbed you of the self that was completely yours."

"But it's not his fault!" John's expression is earnest and a little broken. "It's not like I blame _him_ for what happened."

"He _is_ what happened," Rose points out, effectively silencing him. For a long moment there is only the physical contact between the two and the twisting guilt in John's gut.

"I'm making it worse, aren't I." It's not a question. Rose nods anyway. "So he's really messed up right now, he doesn't know who he is, he's afraid of hurting me and he's doing it without even trying. That must be killing him." John is silent for another long moment, then he takes her hand from his leg and holds it in both of his.

"Now tell me how to fix it."


	2. Chapter 2

Man, but Terezi is creepy. She's sort of like a shark, but smarter. Too smart. She looks right through John sometimes, and he knows that she's blind and technically she's not looking at him at all, but he feels very small and exposed when she turns her face his way and _smirks._ He thinks he's probably biased, and she isn't actually that bad or quite so disconcerting in reality, but still.

When she's around, it's hard to even think about his plan, let alone put it in motion. So he just ignores her, or if he doesn't have a choice but to talk to her he keeps it to a minimum. After all, it's not like he actually hates her. Even if she did get him killed for the hell of it in a different timeline. He's just dreadfully jealous.

He bides his time until he can get Dave alone to have a heart-to-heart. Rose had said that being completely honest is the only way to sort out emotional stuff, so he is gonna sit Dave down and tell him how he feels. How he doesn't expect anything from him except the friendship they've had for years. How it's okay if he wants to be with Terezi, really, he'll be alright. As long as Dave is happy.

As time moves slowly forward, Dave seems to be less and less conflicted. So John stops avoiding him as much, and tries to hide all traces of the feelings he has for his buddy when they're together. It seems to be working, and after a while he starts to think that maybe he can just skip the plan and things will go back to normal on their own.

He is certain Rose would tell him he's never going to get anywhere if he keeps running from his problems.

Hanging out with Dave and Jade is so much fun. With Dave going off on tangents and his sister's charming giggle interspersed with teasing and exaggerated facial expressions, he can almost forget how weird things are. He makes a game out of it, seeing how long he can go without thinking of Dave's mouth, or the curve of his waist under his shirt, or the way his hands move when he really gets going. The shape of his eyes behind his glasses. How he runs his tongue over his lips when he takes a pause.

John hates himself in the middle of the night when he palms himself through his clothes to the thought of Dave's touch. So he doesn't finish.

***

Rose is giving him knowing, berating looks. Sidelong when she's with Kanaya. Straight on and scorching when they pass each other in the hall. She never pushes him to make a move when they're hanging out, and actually hasn't breathed a word about the issue since he asked her for advice, but he can tell she's getting fed up with his refusal to face Dave. She expects more of him.

He ignores her, happy that Dave seems more happy now, even if he still feels the bile rise in his throat when he happens to catch sight of Dave hunched in conspiratorially with Terezi, talking in whispers.

Sometimes, when Jade is talking to Dave and John walks by, she'll come over and hug him, and he knows that it's a pity hug. An I'm-sorry hug. Because Jade knows better than anyone how happy he was with Davesprite. He just pats her on the back and pulls away, smiling in a way that says "stop worrying, I'm fine."

She never believes him, of course.

Karkat makes a pretty good distraction. He's watched a bunch of human movies during the trip, so John asks him what his favourites are and Karkat gives him a long list of which movies were pretty okay for human cinematic productions and which were complete spleen-fuckingly awful pieces of shit.

Together they re-watch their mutual favourites and John even puts up with a couple of troll romcoms because Karkat said that if he partook in some _real_ movie magic, he would deign to rot his thinkpan for a couple hours watching Con Air. John is so stoked for that.

But the thing about Karkat is that he's the romance master. So if there's ever a lull in conversation, he starts in on the horrible double-reacharound of suck that is his relationship with Dave. Sometimes he can get Karkat to shut up by begging, and sometimes he has to leave the room, trying not to cry. He never listens to the actual words Karkat is saying, in an effort to pretend it isn't happening, and Karkat screams after him as he flies away that if John would just _listen,_ he would be able to help.

***

He's with the Mayor in Can Town the next time he sees Dave. He's babbling about everything he's been up to the last three years and doodling on an unmarked corner of the floor and the next time he looks up there's his best friend, standing in the doorway like a deer in the headlights. Except more straight-faced.

He drops the chalk and stands, dusting his hands off on his pants. Oh, wait, fuck, now there's a white streak on the blue. While he's trying to brush it off he hears Dave take a step into the room. Glancing around, he notices the Mayor has left.

Oh. They're alone.

Dave cuts straight to the chase.

"You love me," he says.

Flinching, John nods. "I, uh, I've actually been meaning to talk to you about that..."

"Rose got to me. I'm assuming she told you the same thing about getting in touch with our emotions and working through our issues and in general just having a big messy feelings jam until everything is better." He sounds bitter, and something constricts in John's chest.

"Yeah," he offers weakly. "Something like that."

Dave sighs, dropping down to sit cross-legged, facing John. "Well then, let's get this show on the road."

"Um. Oh. Okay then." John sits down too, and apparently neither of them is worrying about getting chalk all over their asses. John can deal with that. He plays with the cuff of his pants just to have something to do with his hands. He isn't sure if Dave expects him to go first, or wh—

"He loved you so much," Dave blurts, leaning over to prop his elbows on his knees, head in hands. "And I can't sort out which feelings are mine and which are his anymore because it's just _so much._ "

John wants to reach out and hold him forever. But he balls his hands into fists and focuses on the sting of his nails digging into his palms. He had no idea Dave was still struggling with his emotions. He had been completely fooled by the coolkid poker face. "I'm sorry you're stuck with that," he murmurs.

Dave continues as if John hadn't said a thing. "I was pretty fuckin' content before all this. We had a plan, and I had my own shit goin' on. You were supposed to come back and be my _bro,_ and now we're in this mess and you're avoidin' me and I can't even get my groove on anymore without somethin' settin' me off, I keep fallin' down all these emotions and memories like I'm in a fucked-up split-personality funhouse, it's _bullshit._ And none a this is helpin' me figure shit out with Rez, she doesn't even really wanna talk to me anymore 'cause I can't _function_ properly. I don't even know if I care about that anymore. Fuckin'... Rose got extra memories and was just fine, Jade merged with her sprite and now she's a god tier, and what do I get? Fucking broken, is what. I'm broken, John, and I have no idea what to do."

"Fuck, Dave—"

"Yeah, and another thing. You did, didn't you. You two fucked."

John's teeth click together as he shuts his mouth. There's the taste of blood; he must have bitten his cheek.

Dave's a wellspring of words, now. There's no stopping him. John doesn't try.

"You two had a real serious thing goin' on that ship and I can't figure out what changed because I never felt that way about you. I don't think. And over here it's like hot-'n'-cold with Rez, just follow the leader, maybe someday she'll let you close enough to touch but you got no right to assume shit. So how do I even _deal_ with you? Are we, like, ex-boyfriends now, and I just keep chasin' after Rez like I'm goin' for the Olympic gold for fastest rebound? Is she even fuckin' worth it? Can I justify _any_ kinda interaction with you, cause I'm sure havin' the love a yer fuckin' life swept out from underneath you like some shitty tablecloth trick and then starin' at his clone all goddamn day has gotta feel real great."

By this time Dave has shifted so that one knee is raised, and he's hugging that leg like it's the only thing keeping him from crying. John can hear the tears in his voice, can tell how hard Dave is trying to hold them back. His voice is so unstable it hurts to listen to him but John isn't going to say a damn word until Dave is done. His nails feel wet.

"I don't even gotta wonder what it feels like to lose somethin' 'cause I already lost you once, god, I remember that. I remember losin' you, John. I never wanna lose you again. I never want you to stop bein' my bro. Can you promise me, John," he looks up, straight into blue eyes, tears spilling over his cheeks as he blinks, "promise me I won't lose you."

John can't handle it anymore; seeing Dave fight and lose a battle against his own tears is too much. He lunges forward and ends up half in Dave's lap, arms around his neck.

"Never in a million years, I would never leave you. I promise. I swear."

Dave makes a strangled sound in his throat that never fully forms into a sob. He pulls his arms out from underneath John is order to wrap them around him. His shades are finally knocked off as he buries his face in John's god hood, the sound of them clattering to the hard floor quietly echoing off the walls.

They stay like that a long time, then John pulls away and scoots his legs forward so he's sitting properly but still close enough to hold Dave by the shoulders. For a moment he is thrown off by Dave's eyes; they are vermillion, like someone took a transparency of god tier Dave's eyes and overlaid them with one of Davesprite's. Dave blinks and his eyelashes are the same no matter what colour they are, thick and short and gorgeous. John struggles to remember what he was about to say.

"Look. You don't owe me anything. I don't expect you to bend over backward just to make me happy, that's not your job. Whatever you decide, I will support you one hundred percent. I just hate seeing you like this. If I can do _anything_ to help you, I'm right here. You're my best friend, I'm not going anywhere."

Dave doesn't respond, but he doesn't look away. It's hard to keep staring into his eyes like this, but Dave needs reassurance, and he'll be damned if that's not what he gives him.

Eventually they wipe their faces, Dave puts his shades back on and gives John one last short hug, and John is alone again.


	3. Chapter 3

Kanaya has sequestered Rose somewhere for who knows what. Dave and Jade are on the roof, but he doesn't want to bother them. He hasn't seen Terezi in a while and it's honestly kind of freaking him out. So he decides to wait around in Karkat's block and watch his bizarre troll movies until he shows up.

He shows up at the worst time. John is yelling at the characters; while he's not entirely sure what's going on, it's obvious that two of them belong together in kismesissitude and they just aren't getting it. So while Karkat initially looks pretty miffed at having an unexpected and squishy guest, he ends up laughing and pointing at John, making fun of him for getting into the movie.

John will not stand for such blasphemous lies. He was not "getting into it," he was just frustrated that the two couldn't see their destinies laid out before them. Karkat says he might turn into a legitimately cultured being if he's not careful.

They have a playful strife.

Laying on the floor after their little tussle, heads together and legs flung in opposite directions, Karkat smiles at John. Like, _really actually smiles._

"So do you want to tell me what happened, or do I have to drag it out of you with pliers?"

John is still giggling a little bit, and tries to calm himself. "What do you, hehe, mean? What happened?"

Karkat reaches up and pokes him in the arm. "You're not constantly moping anymore. Did you finally grow a think pan and talk to Strider, or have you been getting into the sopor?" John turns his face away and Karkat pushes himself up, leaning over John to laugh once in his face. "I knew it! You manned the fuck up! Or whatever. Tell me what he said," he demands, poking at John's sides in an attempt to tickle a response out of him.

Much to John's chagrin, it works. "Ahahakay, okay! Okay I'll talk oh my god just hahahaha _stop poking meee!_ "

Karkat backs off and looks expectantly at John as he shifts to sit up as well. He makes a show of rearranging his shirt and straightening his hood and Karat gets fed up with his stalling and yanks on the hood.

"Alright, alright. So basically. He said he has a lot of Daveprite's memories, and some of his feelings. For me. But also feelings for Terezi. And I think I sort of told him I would give up on him and let him have her."

His troll friend is gaping at him like he's a five-car pile up. "You said _what??_ "

"Well what else was I supposed to do?!" John throws his arms up. "He likes her, and it's not like I'm entitled to his feelings or anything. So I told him we'd still be best bros. And then he left."

Karkat is making frustrated noises but John can't see his face because he has executed a beautiful double facepalm combo. It's really something to behold. John hangs his head.

"Oh my god I give up on emotions forever, what did I do wrong now?"

Slowly emerging from his hands, Karkat's face is incredulous. "You really don't have a single miniscule clue. You've got no idea how you screwed this up."

John shakes his head. Karkat sighs, drops his hands in his lap, makes a face.

"Egbert you are so lucky to have me around, because while you seem to be a mobile black hole for things like sanity and proper emotional maturity, I am a guru of all things romantic, intelligent, and tasteful. I can help you, but _only if you let me._ None of that floating away on an updraft of your own pitiful inability to interact with the world on a basic level and pretending you don't hear me."

John nods.

Karkat stares for a moment before he decides that's probably all he's going to get. Whatever. He'll take it. He sits up a little straighter and pulls his own shirt around to face front again.

"I'd like to first establish that you are not to interrupt me as I explain in detail every step along the way at which you managed to dig your own grave, romantically speaking." John rolls his eyes, but keeps his mouth shut. "Just like that. You're improving already.

"So first off, you never give the other party in a romantic triangle a fighting chance. You _take,_ you do not just offer the prize up on a silver nutrition plateau and say 'come and get it!' Letting Terezi win is exactly the opposite of what you want to accomplish here and I actually have no idea why in any extant universe you would give Dave away to her."

John breaks his promise to stay silent to mutter: "He's not a _thing,_ Karkat, he's my best friend."

"SHOOOSH. Next point. When someone you want to be with says they have feelings for you, one option to consider is _kissing them on the mouth._ No interruptions! It's a valid fucking point and you know it, and you'd be the biggest liar in paradox space if you said you didn't want to.

"Also; even though you had already blown your best chance to resolve this thing with minimal emotional shrapnel, you still could have salvaged the situation at the end. But instead you let him walk away? You let the human of your dreams take a swan dive off the edge of possibility, right off the desolate platform that is your realm of romantic hopes and dreams. Are you _fucking_ stupid. No, don't answer that, it was rhetorical you stunted fungus."

John sighs and collapses backward, covering his face with his arms. He decides he going to give up on everything. He tells Karkat as much and Karkat does something surprising. He crawls forward, next to John, lays down beside him, and throws an arm around his middle. John kind of flips out. But very quietly and without moving too much because Karkat is touching him. Also scowling.

"Uh...." John starts, but Karkat just scowls deeper, and he shuts his mouth. Looks up at the ceiling. "This is a quadrant thing, huh?"

Karkat snorts. "Don't say it like that, you're tarnishing the idea and the moment in one incredible floundering spit bubble. It's not one of the ones where you kiss, so calm your shit."

"But—"

"Your shit. It is not calm. I need you to change that."

John calms his shit.

***

After much explaining and reassuring and exhaustive rigamarole, Karkat explains moirallegiance to John. He's seen the concept in a couple of troll movies, but having Karkat say things like "if you think I'd kiss that ugly pink blister you call a face then you're poorly mistaken" and explaining all the terms really helps him get it. He even thinks he's okay with it. It's like having a best friend you can cuddle with and not have to worry about sex.

So he starts spending more time with his new... thing. Moirail? Best friend? His Karkat.

Rose approves. She says something about John needing a good kick in the ass every now and then, and how Karkat is sure to deliver.

Jade is really happy for them. She goes a little nuts about it and John starts to feel a little uncomfortable, trying to get to her be quiet and insisting it's not the kissing kind of relationship and it doesn't exactly solve all his problems. She says she knows all that, and John is very silly, but she's allowed to be happy for them! He guesses he agrees.

Kanaya congratulates Karkat briefly and quietly, and John could swear he sees them fistbump.

Spending more time around his new cuddle buddy means that John has little room in his head for all the drama with Dave. He doesn't forget about it, but he moves it to a back corner of his mind for a while and stops killing himself over it. Karkat fucking _beams_ when John tells him this. He says that's a moirail's dream come true, and kisses John on the palm. John blushes a little.

Everything seems to go back to normal. Which of course is the universal sign that something is about to go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise to all Karkat/Gamzee shippers and I feel kinda bad for blatantly disregarding canon here.


	4. Chapter 4

Enough time has passed that the cuddling and even innocent kisses to the hands or forehead don't bother John anymore. He starts to welcome them. Even starts to reciprocate, kissing Karkat's rough knuckles once and earning a soft smile from the normally vitriolic troll. (He started in on the yelling again not thirty seconds later, but for a moment it was nice to see him calm and happy.) So it is that he's asleep with his head on Karkat's lap when he is awoken by harsh whispers. At first he thinks maybe Karkat has picked a fight with someone, but when he opens his eyes he realises that Karkat isn't speaking. However, he is glaring pretty intently at someone out of John's sight and petting his hair protectively.

Turning to see who is behind him, John is shocked to see a blurry Dave standing in front of them. He blinks a few times and Karkat hands him his glasses. When he's able to see more clearly he notices that Dave looks really pissed too.

"Guys? What's going on?" He clears his throat as he sits up.

Dave thumbs his nose. "I was gonna ask you that."

John looks beside him at Karkat, then back at Dave. "Woah. Shit, this is weird."

"Uh huh." Dave starts to walk away.

John chases after him, leaving Karkat behind. "Dammit Dave, _wait,_ " he demands, grabbing hold of a red sleeve.

Dave whirls to face him, and now John can see the hurt behind the anger. He lets go of his arm.

"What's wrong? What did I do?"

Instead of answering he says, "I thought Karkat hated you."

"Not really. He gave up on that a long time ago. But when, you know," he gestured vaguely, " _stuff_ started to happen, I guess he started to really pity me. So now we're moirails."

Dave looks unimpressed. "Awesome," he deadpans. "Bestie and butt buddy all in one."

"What, no, moirails don't kiss or anyth—"

"Bullshit."

"Yeah okay so we kiss each other's hands and stuff, but that's just—"

"You know, I don't really wanna hear about your stupid alien romance. You just go ahead and keep not-kissing that asshat."

"What the hell, Dave? Why are you being such a dick about my moirail?"

"God, John, he's just some guy, you're not 'fated' to be together!"

"Woah, wait. Are you _jealous?_ "

" _Fuck,_ Egbert. I don't know how I feel about you, okay? Half of me has these memories of you that make it impossible not to feel something. But while you were prancing all over this rock with that shithead troll, you forgot something."

"I did?" John asks, genuinely confused.

"You promised you wouldn't leave me."

"And I meant that! Karkat isn't your replacement or anything, he's just... helping me out. Really, it's a totally different thi—"

"No, forget it. I don't know why I made such a big deal out of it anyway, you can do whatever you want with whoever—"

" _Dave._ Shut up for a minute." John takes his friend by the shoulders, his voice going soft. "I am gonna keep my promise to you. I'll be your bro. But I also promised to stay out of your way. I don't know how to do both if this is how it's gonna be."

Dave's face goes blank. "Maybe I should stay out of _your_ way for a while."

"That's stupid," John tries to say, but Dave shrugs his hands off and turns to leave. Again.

John almost lets him go, but then he remembers what Karkat told him. He takes a deep breath.

"Hang on." Dave stops walking. John crosses the distance between them, walks around to Dave's front. "If you decide to be with Terezi, then I really will back off. But I want you to remember that you have something that belongs to me."

"What's that?"

John kisses him on the mouth.

"Your heart. Half of it is still mine."

***

Later, he finally catches sight of Terezi. Of course she's with Dave. Where else would she be? They look deep in conversation, so he backs out of the room and books it for Karkat's block.

"What is with her? It's like she's deliberately fucking with him."

Karkat grimaces. "I think she's just a sadist. She played the same game with me, before we got here. Apparently she doesn't want anything serious right now or something. She thinks stringing people along is an acceptable method of conducting quadrant relations."

"Ugh." John is slumped over on top of Karkat's crabtop, legs and arms dangling toward the floor. "What do I even do. I feel like a yo-yo. I need a daisy or something. He loves me, he loves me not," he pantomimes picking petals off a daisy, one for each item. "He's got two personalities, he likes a crazy troll girl. He wants to be my bro, he wants to be my boyfriend." Forgoing the invisible daisy, he slumps back down. "Uuuugh."

Karkat is uncertain whether he should get up and comfort John, maybe pat his back? He sits on his hands.

"You've given him an ultimatum. Maybe this will force him to make a decision instead of vacillating like he has been. And if Terezi is doing to him what she did to me, then pretty soon he'll be looking for someone to give him what he wants instead of dangling it in his face and yanking it away when he gets close. He's bound to get fed up with her, not even he is crazy enough to _like_ being yanked around like that."

John turns his head to look at his moirail upside-down. "Hey, Karkat? Are you happy?"

Sputtering, Karkat pulls his hands out from under his legs to reach out as if he's going to throttle John. "What is wrong with you, you vacant primate?? I cannot even comprehend your bizarre thought process, I mean really, what the fuck?!"

"I would just like it if you were happy," he responds, sliding off the crabtop and sitting on the floor, eyes imploring.

Karkat can't resist the kicked-barkbeast look very long, and he eventually sighs, "Yes, John. You're the biggest idiot I've ever had the displeasure of wasting my time on, which is really saying something. But. You make me happy."


	5. Chapter 5

Dave kinda disappears for a while. Rose says he's probably mulling things over. Jade agrees, and tells John that she's rooting for him! John thinks he might be off with Terezi all the time, but she can sometimes be seen without him, so maybe not. Karkat just grumbles about how much of a sniveling coward Dave is if he can't even face his quadrantmate hopefuls. John smacks his ear.

While he's waiting around for Dave to make a decision, he figures he might as well do something productive. He starts a band, kinda. Rose plays the violin really well, and Jade can riff a mean bassline. He hasn't played his piano in a while, so he dicks around on it alone for a while to warm up, and Karkat just sits on the bench next to him and watches his fingers move.

It is a foolproof method of shutting him up.

When they come together to play, it's mostly improvisational. Really just fucking around. Sometimes it's horrible and the way the sounds mash against each other makes everyone laugh. But then they hit a groove, and it's beautiful. John gets really into it, fading to a simple melody so Rose can have a solo or Jade can go crazy with the deep, reverberating funk she coaxes from her guitar, and sometimes he just wings it, loud and fast, and the girls provide excellent backup.

John's favourite thing is when he and Rose do classical pieces together, and Jade adds her own spice. It's during one of these songs that Karkat bumps his knee against John's and points to the entrance to the hallway, where Dave is leaning against a wall. Still playing, John smiles and nods at him. When he doesn't make a move to join them, or even indicate that he's seen the greeting, John turns back to the piano. Through the rest of the jam session, he tries to focus on the music he's creating with his friends, and not wonder if Dave is still watching.

***

 

Dave never joins them. They've been playing for hours by the time Rose says they should probably get some sleep. Jade pouts a bit, but they agree to get together as a band more often because damn that was fun.

John goes back to Karkat's block with him and helps him make a pile so they can sleep together. They do that sometimes. But it's not awkward or anything, they normally sleep back-to-back; so while John balked at the idea initially, he's cool with it now. It's actually really comforting when he wakes up in the middle of the night and feels Karkat breathing softly behind him, his alien heart beating against John's.

Apparently tonight is one of those nights. Karkat is lying face-up, so there's none of the contact they normally have, and John kind of misses it. He stares around the room at all the human movie posters Karkat has collected over the course of three years and wonders what it is about moirallegiance. It's a form of troll romance, so technically he's in a romantic relationship with Karkat, right? He knows Karkat sees it that way. But it doesn't feel particularly romantic to him. It just feels like he has a close friend he can be completely vulnerable around. Someone he doesn't have to worry about impressing.

He kind of felt that way about Dave, though, back on the ship. Except he kissed Dave on the mouth. And did other stuff with him. And while Karkat makes him feel more at ease, Dave had made him feel radiantly happy.

Deciding he needs to get out of his own head for a while, before his troll pal wakes up and berates him for wallowing, John carefully climbs out of the pile and slips out of the block. Because there is no external light source and thus no natural day/night schedule, everyone can sleep at the same time, which means that no one else is up while John is making his way through the halls to the bathroom.

Or so he thinks.

He runs into Dave before he gets halfway there. Dave is stalking toward him, staring at the floor, fists loosely balled at his sides. He looks pretty locked in his own head, so John thinks maybe he should just walk right past him and continue on his way, but then Dave looks up at him. Stops walking. _Stares_ at him, looking empty.

Nervous, John forces a smile. "Hey Dave. What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep." His voice is flat, dead. John has to struggle to keep the smile in place.

"Oh. I couldn't really sleep either." Awkward silence. John mentally kicks himself for being so smooth and eloquent. Really bang-up job there dude.

Dave just continues to look at John, so he starts bullshitting in order to fill the space between them.

"So how did you like the band we put together? I don't know if you saw us at the beginning but we kind of sucked. And then Rose started playing Bach, and I followed her, and Jade did this thing with her bass, it was great. Playing all together like that was really fun, I think maybe you should join us sometime? If you want. We're gonna do it more often now so you can totally just jump in whenever you want. You can rap." Oh my god he feels so lame and now Dave looks kind of tense, like maybe he's about to abscond. "Or not, it's your call."

When Dave moves, it's not in the other direction like John fears it will be. It's straight toward John, and he reaches out as if to touch him, pulls away a fraction of an inch for a fraction of a second, then comes the rest of the distance between them until he's kissing John right on the mouth.

The kiss only lasts a second, and then Dave is looking John in the eyes so intently that the heir of breath can't breathe. A second kiss comes softly, tentatively, and John has to fight back a sob as he wraps Dave up in his arms and kisses back just as carefully, half afraid that any wrong move will scare him off.

Dave stays, though, and the kisses get slowly deeper, more desperate. John isn't sure what Dave wants from him right now but he knows he'd give him anything. So when Dave starts tugging on his shirt, he breaks away for a moment to look around and pull him through the nearest door to get out of the hallway. Just in case.

As soon as the door is closed behind them Dave has John pressed up against it, like if he doesn't trap him John will float away. He pulls Dave as close as he can by the waist, keeping his hands from drifting up or down in case he goes too far. But Dave doesn't seem to be worried about that, because he continues pulling at John's shirt until it's off, tossing it and his god hood across the room and leaning in to kiss at his clavicle. John tilts his head back and moans at the feel of Dave's mouth on him, _finally,_ then snaps out of it.

"Wait. Dave. Are you sure you want this? We don't have to—"

"Egbert. Shut up." He shuts up. Dave pulls his own shirt over his head and tosses it to the side, and that's about as clear an answer as John could ask for. Before he can attack again, John catches sight of a short, vertical scar on his chest and reaches out to touch it. Dave shudders to a halt, glancing down at where John's palm is pressed to his sternum. He grimaces, but answers the question on John's face. "Yeah. That's where Jack stabbed m—" he takes a breath, "Stabbed him. Davesprite."

John's face falls. "Right. Davesprite."

"Fuck." Dave takes a step back, John's hand falling from his chest. "I didn't mean... I don't..." He pushes his glasses on top of his head to scrub at his eyes, just as he did when the change first occurred. The sight sends a stab of pity to John's chest, and he looks away.

Dave takes a couple of deep breaths and takes his hands away from his face, tossing his shades in the direction of their shirts. "Don't need these around you, do I," he says, voice dead.

John bites his lip, choosing not to respond. Dave doesn't expect him to anyway.

"I don't understand any of this," he confides to John's feet. "Who the hell _am_ I?"

"You're Dave," John says, firmly.

"But _which_ Dave? The one with his head up his ass about some troll chick on a meteor, or the one who went back in time to save his best friend and then hooked up with him?"

"They're both Dave. They're both you."

Frustrated, Dave sighs noisily. "How can you be so sure? You don't know what it's like in my head. Constantly having to fight myself about basic things like who I have a crush on or who I've become post-merger with a feathery alternate self...." He sinks to the floor, and, not sure what else to do, John follows him.

Sitting cross-legged across from Dave brings on a sort of deja-vu, and a determination to make things end differently from the last time they talked alone like this. So John scoots a little closer, holding a hand out as an offering. Dave only stares at it for a few seconds before taking it and holding it. It's like a really weak, backward handshake, and it's awkward as fuck.

To John's surprise, it's the other boy who moves to change the awkwardness. He holds out his other hand, and John takes it, and then their fingers are intertwined and Dave is squeezing slightly. Shirtless and apprehensive, John stares at their joined hands.

"It hurts less when I'm close to you," Dave whispers, startling John from his reverie. When he looks up, Dave is gazing at his face, and their eyes lock. Blue on red-orange. "You make everything come to the surface, and my head feels too goddamn full. But it hurts less when I'm touching you." Both sets of hands tighten at the same time.

John swallows, unsure if he should reply this time. Either he takes too long to speak, or Dave didn't want him to anyway, because after a moment he's leaning across their legs and pulling John's hands in and kissing him, more softly than before. More deliberate.

John melts into the kiss, tilting his head to get a better angle and opening his mouth when he feels a tongue against his lips. Dave's thumbs are stroking his lightly, sending sparks across his skin. Soon the kiss turns deep, the boys rocking into each other and their hands coming apart to touch bare shoulders and tangle into hair.

Dave drops his hands to John's sides and hooks his fingers under his waistband, breaking the kiss long enough to tug him up to his knees and pull him closer. John goes with it, straddling his lap and bending to kiss at his jawline, Dave's iron hold on his hips doing funny things to his head.

This time Dave doesn't seem to have any spare brainpower to second-guess himself. He allows John to kiss his skin and slowly migrate up to his mouth, and then he's taking control; pulling John down to grind up into his arousal and gripping the back of his neck to ravage his mouth. Like if he doesn't get enough of his best friend _right now_ he'll lose it again.

Somehow John ends up on top. They sort of tip over, Dave landing on his back and getting the air knocked out of him, and John falling on him to breathe it right back into his lungs. They're writhing, pushing against each other's hips and grasping at biceps or thighs or pulling on hair to expose necks. John can feel the heat in his stomach flare and curl and he wants it all. Wants to go all the way.

He tugs at Dave's pants and is rewarded with instant response; the blond shoves them as far down as he can get them while still on his back, and doesn't hesitate to do the same to John's. Gasping at the sensation of fabric pulling over sensitive sweat-slicked skin, they slow briefly to enjoy the exquisite slide of their matching erections. John's hips know the rhythm, and he falls into it effortlessly. Propped on his elbows, all he can do is stare at Dave's face as the other boy tries to tame his body into a proper tempo, hands on John's ass for leverage. While some part of him has done this before, his body is still untouched, and John remembers the first time they did this, how animal it was. So he rolls over to one side, pulling Dave with him, on top of him.

"Do whatever you want," he says, brushing down the side of Dave's face with one hand, smiling up at him. "Fuck me as hard as you want."

Something in Dave breaks, and John can't quite tell what just happened by the look on his face, but he buries it in John's neck before he can figure it out and his hips snap out a pace so much faster and harder than John's that he stops caring. Head thrown back, legs wrapped around Dave's, he yells his pleasure into the empty room. Dave is keeping up a stream of curses and small noises and things like "John, _yes,_ " right below his ear, and the hot breath on his neck is sending warmth through John's whole body.

Before he realises it, he's coming, crying out Dave's name like a prayer. He has to push Dave halfway off, too overstimulated to continue, but the last thing he wants is to leave him hanging. Dave is too out of it to really complain, but he makes noises of discontent until John shifts, pushing Dave back down and settling between his legs. He grabs hold of one of his hands as he closes his lips over Dave's head.

Dave's loud, surprised moan echoes in Johns' head like bells. He matches the movement of his mouth and tongue to the beat of the pulse he can feel in Dave's thigh; just enough to keep him breathless and whining. A minute later Dave twines their fingers together a second time and squeezes tight as his body arches. John pulls away just in time, working Dave with his hand through the whole thing.

After Dave comes down they lie together, their pants still half-on, stomachs messy. John blinks lazily at their still-joined hands on Dave's chest. His ears are ringing and he's too hot, but he can't bring himself to be anything less than totally content. Dave is nodding off, so he snuggles up closer and slides his free arm under the other boy's head like a pillow. It doesn't take him long to follow his love into sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

John's stomach sinks when he wakes up alone, pants pulled back up over his hips and god tier t-shirt balled up under his head. At least Dave tucked him in before he bailed.

Fighting tears, he sits up and runs a hand through his hair. He needs a shower. And a feelings jam.

After he gets his shirt and hood back on he slinks out of the room, looking both ways down the hall to make sure he won't run into anyone who isn't his moirail. The short trek back to Karkat's block is spent wringing his hands and throwing glances over his shoulder, but nobody is in this part of the meteor. Not even Karkat, as he finds once he opens the door to an empty pile and more disappointment. Instead of waiting around for the troll to show up, he sets out to get himself cleaned up.

The shower he takes leaves him feeling not entirely clean. It doesn't help that he has to put the same clothes back on afterward. They smell of Dave.

He trudges into the room where he and the girls had jammed the day before. Still not seeing even a sign of life, he plops onto the bench in front of his piano and taps at the keys until something coherent comes out. The song he ends up playing is slow and deep and sad, and he commiserates with the instrument, putting his emotions into the strength and fade of the sound from its innards.

At some point during his gloomy spell, Karkat comes up behind him soundlessly to listen, only putting a hand on his shoulder when he comes down from his strange musical high. He knows Karkat can sense his mood, and he almost expects an inquiry, but it never comes. The troll simply runs his fingers through John's hair, claws tracing over the scalp, still gripping his shoulder with the other hand. It's enough.

John continues to play, but avoids anything terribly depressing. For a while he just runs aimlessly through notes and chords and simple beginner's practices. Then Karkat tells him to either play a damn song or step away from the box. So he plays a song.

With Karkat still stroking his hair, he hears Rose start up on her violin behind him, and turns to see her perched straight-backed on a chair, eyes closed as she accompanies him. Her silent support puts a dim smile on his face. It doesn't matter if she has any idea of what happened, he's just glad she's there.

By the time Jade finds them he has been going back and forth with Rose for a while, playing follow the leader and a sort of song popcorn, each cutting out at random intervals and leaving the other to pick up where they left off. He leans around Karkat, now sharing the bench with him, to greet his ecto-sister with a smile and invite her to their music games. She bounces in, and manages to make the deep sound from her bass seem bright and happy.

Playing along with the girls again, he can almost pretend that last night never happened. That he can't still smell Dave on his clothes and feel him all over his body.

But the ruckus they're making must have drawn Dave out, just like last time, and John hears him before he sees him.

"You got room for one more cowboy in this saloon?" He's drawling for effect, a smirk on his face as he walks in from the hallway.

"Oh hell no, you do not get to swagger in here and pretend everything is okay." Karkat is off the bench and in Dave's face before John can blink, completely on the offensive where before he was always quietly furious at the coolkid's treatment of his friend-turned-moirail. "John has been poking at his sound-box all day, making noise like all the hope in every universe was sucked out by some enormous, putrid space worm, and you know what, that worm is _you._ Where the hell do you get off doing what you did—and I _know_ what you did, Strider, you quivering fuck, I can _smell_ it on both of you—and then sweeping off into the dark corners of this horrible rock to drool all over yourself with Terezi again?! You were supposed to make a choice, or can't you manage even that simple task without screwing up? 'Both' is not an option. Neither is continuing to breathe, if you don't get out of my sight right the fuck now and stay far, _far_ away from John."

Dave is actually recoiling a little, though he doesn't so much as flinch when Karkat's saliva spatters on his face. He waits patiently until the troll takes a breath, then steps around him, shrugging off the gray hand that lands on his shoulder and tries to push him back into the hallway. John's eyes go wide as Dave walks toward him, and he swings his legs around to face him, holding up both hands. Dave stops.

"Karkat's right, Dave. I think you should leave."

"Fuck. Okay, I know this looks really bad, but I didn't ditch you for Terezi. I mean, I was talking to her, bu—"

"Goddammit Strider," Karkat starts toward Dave, looking murderous, but Rose wraps one hand around his wrist, lightly. Though he jerks out of her grasp, he stops advancing on her brother.

"Let Dave say what he needs to say. Then you can rip him apart, if you want."

Growling somewhere deep in his chest, Karkat allows himself to be herded away from the boys, and John looks after him, feeling cold. But he pulls up the strength to face Dave by himself, even if he doesn't have the strength in his legs to stand.

Dave takes a breath, and then John doesn't need to stand anyway, because he's on his knees and he's taking his glasses off. His eyes are locked onto John's and he looks so serious that John almost can't bring himself to say what he says next.

"You broke my heart. I'm not sure I can forgive you. So if this thing you have to say doesn't explain everything and make you look like less of a dick, then I won't stop Karkat from tearing you to shreds."

"That's fair," he agrees, nodding slightly. "I can't explain all of it. I have absolutely no excuse for why I left this morning. But after wandering around for a while, I realised what I had to do. So I went to talk to Terezi, and I told her I've made my decision."

Jade gasps and her ears perk up, but Rose paps her into silence.

"You are the only thing I can think about, sometimes," Dave continues, unmoving, though his hands are clenched like he's trying not to reach out. John almost wants him to. "When you said half my heart was yours, you were wrong. And that's what I went to tell Terezi. That you have my _whole_ heart, John. Whatever part of me was fighting off Davesprite's feelings for you... I don't know. Maybe that part was weaker, or his feelings for you were just that strong. Maybe I loved you anyway, and I just didn't know it till his memories were forced on me and I couldn't avoid it anymore."

John is tearing up now, and Dave finally reaches out to touch his knee, and before he can retract his hand John is holding it tight with both his own. "I was still confused this morning," he goes on, glancing down at their hands. "I bailed because I was afraid that what I'd just done was so horrible, that I'd taken advantage of you and led you on. That I didn't deserve to watch you sleep, once I woke up. I mean, that's creepy anyway. Who the hell does that. But once I left, I missed you. Like a teenage girl, man. I wanted to go back and keep holding you and kiss you awake and do it all over again, so I told Terezi that she could find someone else to play with or just shove it up her weird troll anatomy because John Egbert I am in love with you. And I am so, _so_ sorry for what I have put you through."

John can hardly believe how perfect this seems. He chews his lip for a moment, and when he shakes his head, Dave looks scared.

John shakes his head harder. "No, not _no,_ I mean I'm not mad. I forgive you." Pulls Dave closer by the hand he's holding. "I love you too, Dave."

Then they're kissing, soft and chaste and sweet, and Jade is making happy noises and Karkat is grumbling about not getting to at least knock Dave around a little bit for being a walking douche-aneurism and Rose has a small smile on her face but inwardly she's as happy as Jade.

When they separate, there's none of the ease and comfort that there was with Davesprite. They've both made mistakes and hurt each other. John knows it'll probably take a while for things to be completely alright. But Dave is still squeezing his hands, and half-smiling at him. They love each other and they're gonna work it out, together.


End file.
